Monday is out to get me

You guys (looks left, then right), you know Monday? It’s out to get me.

Sounds crazy, you say? Well, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

Monday has always been my nemesis. It lies in wait, lurking in the weeds, waiting to pounce every week. And pounce it does.

Perhaps a little context would be helpful. See, Monday is a busy day at the Independent. We have two newspapers we put out that day, and we do our best to get started on the three papers we create on Tuesday. I spend the day picking out and adjusting photos from the previous week, writing sports stories (which I can’t do early, in case you’re wondering - it’s very hard to write a Friday night football game on Thursday, you see) and putting pages together. I also help with page proofing when I can. And it all has to be done by 6 p.m.

So, Mondays are a challenge to begin with.

Throw in the fact that you’re just coming off a weekend and you really don’t want to go back to work anyway, and Mondays can be evil.

This past Monday was especially Monday-ish. I got up early to try to finish some formatting before heading to the office. Normally that’s not bad, but I was up a little later than usual Sunday night, which meant less sleep than I should probably get. So, I got the formatting done and headed to the office.

I knew I needed to get gas because my fuel light came on on the way home from church Sunday night. So, I thought, since I needed some tea for work anyway, I’d just fill my gas tank. I got to the stop light and realized my wallet was still in my church bag. So, I turned around and went back home to get it.

Pull up to the gas tank, insert loyalty card, wait for the next step in fueling my car. Nothing. The pump didn’t initialize or tell me to insert my credit or debit card. OK, Monday, don’t mess with me. So I went in to ask that the pump be reset. I was told it was ready to pump. I went back to the car, but the pump hadn’t reset. Back to the cashier, who told me my loyalty card was locking up the system. Seriously, Monday? I had to move to a different pump and not use my loyalty card. (Rolls eyes and shakes head)

I got to the office and got to work. Missed deadline for paper one - not a big surprise. It’s really hard for me to make a noon deadline with nine stories to write and five to eight more to format, with related photos and stat boxes (at least currently). But Monday has a hand in that, believe me.

Then comes paper two. This one currently requires 12 stories formatted and 13 written, along with related photos and stat boxes, to be done by 6 p.m. See what I mean about Monday lurking in the weeds? I missed deadline again, but only by about 15 minutes. And that was Monday’s fault. It’s decided that InDesign, the desktop publishing program we use for layout, should crash between 5:45 and 6 p.m. Not cool, Monday! What did I ever do to you?

Now, my family has a history with days. For a time, Thursdays were pursuing my brother Andrew. I don’t know what he did to convince Thursday to leave him alone, but he’s managed to draw up a truce. I may be checking in with him for advice.

I’ve asked to cancel Monday completely, but then Tuesday becomes Monday. If you cancel that, Wednesday is Monday.

And really, no other day could conceivably become Monday. Tuesdays just try to distance themselves from Monday. Wednesdays have far too good an attitude to become Monday. Thursdays tried to be Monday but weren’t as insidious as they needed to be. Fridays are too laid back to take Monday’s place, and of course Saturday and Sunday are too cool.

So I have to figure out how to outsmart Monday. There has to be something I can do that will make Monday leave me alone. Or at least be a little nicer. (Snaps fingers) I’ve got it!

Hey, Monday! I play the 1812 Overture at you! I aim my speakers in your direction and crank the volume, especially on the cannons. Ha ha! Wait! Nooooooo! My speakers!

Curse you, Monday! (Shakes fist) I’ll get you yet. I’ll find some way to put you in your place, giving me the serene start to the week I wish for.

(Monday unleashes an evil, maniacal laugh.)